Six months ago, I discovered a book by Steve Kamb: “Level Up Your Life: How To Unlock Adventure and Happiness By Becoming The Hero Of Your Own Story.” Over the years, I have read several self-help books, but this one was different. It focuses on the ‘doing’ in terms of my aspirations and things to do, whereas so many self-help books seem to focus on the how-to of achieving my goals and ambitions. He suggests turning your life into a game and then playing the game. While I have never been a video gamer, it was familiar to me when he outlined a plan of developing fifty levels. As one works their way through the levels, he or she moves closer to a life full of ‘adventure and happiness.’ I have written several Medium.com posts about my variation on this game, which I called Level Up Sissy.

I began building this website to implement a Level Up game plan for my life. I spent most of a month building this website, but it never felt right. Something was off. A couple days ago–as of when I wrote this post– I spent some time pondering why it felt inauthentic to me. I mean, the formula — “Identity + Femininity + Sexuality = Authencity” all but demands that working through the level will bring me closer to authenticity. It was during this reflection that I realized so much of being a sissy was not about ‘level up your life’ as about level down my life. I had one option: re-working the website with a new theme of leveling down. But that did not work for me, so I have decided to maintain the Level Up Sissy component of this website and include a Level Down Sissy component. Below, I will discuss my two reasons for doing so.

Level Up My Life

Almost seventy years ago, as a young boy of three, I first considered life as a girl to be better than life as a boy. At the time, I was mostly thinking of my parents. Three years earlier, I had been born into their family as a second son, and they wanted a daughter. They often spoke of this ‘disappointment’ to family and friends. I wanted them to be happy, and I was quite willing to be a girl who made them happy. Expressing my willingness to be a girl, I was repeatedly told, “You were born a boy, and you will always be a boy.”

I did not take this response as the final answer. I became increasingly convinced that if I were a girl, my parents would be happier and—dare I say—love me more. I promised myself that I would find a way to be a girl for my family when I was older.

During these early years of their marriage, my parents lived with my grandmother. One day, my grandmother became exasperated with my ceaseless pleas to be a girl for my parents (and her). She decided to teach me a lesson, dressed me up as a girl, and sent me out to play with my friends. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

If you follow this blog, you will learn more about my story. All you need to know for now is that my desire to be a girl has been lifelong. It was not a desire that had anything to do with my gender identity. I simply wanted to do everything I could to make my parents happier. In short, at a very young age, I decided I wanted to be a girl and that my life would have been better if only I had been born a girl. Seventy years later, the only real change in how I feel is that now I want to be a woman and that my life will be better.

In 2017, I sat before a judge to legally change my name. As Veronica, with letters from my doctor and my therapists, I went to the Washington State Department of Licensing and was given a state ID with F in the gender box, a change from M. As I was now legally a woman, I was confident my life would change, that I would finally be living the life of a woman. But it did not change. I remained trapped in my old life,–the habits, fears, and insecurities. Seven years later, I still want that life. But it will never happen until I level up my life, develop new habits, address my fears, and face my insecurities. For that reason, I have chosen to remain with Level Up Sissy.

Level Down Sissy

To continue my story, when I was five years old, my grandmother became my legal guardian and raised me as a girl. My parents were moving to a small town outside of Spokane, and it was initially a one-year arrangement. I was to rejoin my family in Reardan in a year when I started the first grade, but I remained in Spokane with my Grandmother for seven years.

For several years, I lived in ignorant bliss, certain that I was truly a girl because I wore dresses and because everyone called me Veronica. At eleven years old enough to know I was not a girl and never would be a girl, I was desperate to prove myself to be a girl. That is when I began sucking cock. Older boys accepted the lie that I was an ‘older girl’–or at least about two dozen of them did so over the course of several months.

However, some of the boys wanted more from me, and I wanted to give them more. Soon after I turned twelve, I decided to join my family in Reardan as their son. I became a closet crossdresser in my family home and found myself quite lonely. I did, however, have one friend in Reardan—or rather, Veronica had one friend in Reardan. One night, fully dressed as Veronica, I left my room and knocked on my brother’s bedroom door.

Six months later, I did for Steve as I had done for several boys the previous year. Steve was four years my senior. He waited. He did not fuck me until I was a fourteen-year-old freshman. Over the next three years, Steve and I fucked often. There was a time when I had simply believed my life would be better if I was a girl. As Steve’s girlfriend, I knew it was better to be a girl.

In 2012, I moved into the home of my brother Brad and his wife. I was not working and had a lot of time on my hands. I began spending a lot of time online. I joined a multi-player roleplaying game called Red Light Center. I discovered YouTube and, more specifically, young crossdressers on YouTube and, of course, porn. It was during this time that I first came to learn of sissies. Now I had always known about sissies, but I had always had a negative view of them. It might be incorrect to suggest that my view of them changed. It would be more correct to say that I began to see more and more of myself as a sissy. For the first time in my life, I began to identify as a sissy. I began to realize that I was a lifelong sissy, going back to when I was eleven dropping to my knees to suck cock. Even as I was sitting before a judge as the first step in my life as a woman, what I really wanted was the life of a sissy.

There may have been a time in my life when being a woman could have meant having an active sex life. But that time has passed. I am no longer interested in an active sex life. I want to serve men as a sissy. I would even say I am more interested in sex once as a sissy than regular sex as a woman. (Okay, this is probably a bit of a stretch, but I still stand by the underlying premise of this comment –I want to be fucked by men who know my only purpose is to serve them as a fucktoy.) To have the sex life of a sissy, if it is to be had at all, I need to level down my life. As such, I have now added a Level Down Sissy component to this website.