I was five years old when my Grandmother essentially became my legal guardian and I became her granddaughter. I was not old enough by any standard to have made such a life-changing decision. Without question, the decision was made for me. Now when I hear the term ‘forced feminization,’ I usually think of an adult male who has no real feminine aspiration being compelled to dress and act like a woman — against his wishes. I do not offer this as a definition of the term but rather as my perception of what it means to be forced feminized. That said I am sure that there are boys who are forced feminized. Was that my story?
Grooming
I would like to turn to the subject of ‘grooming.’ Some have used the term “grooming” to describe the behavior of parents, family members, and teachers who support minors in their transgender identities. Others have used the term to smear the motives of LGBTQ people and those who oppose anti-LGBTQ legislation. Here is an explanation I found online regarding grooming.
Grooming is when someone builds a relationship with a child or young person to gain their trust and emotional connection. The goal is to manipulate, exploit, or abuse the child. Grooming can include:
- Identifying and targeting the victim
- Gaining trust and access
- Playing a role in the child’s life
- Isolating the child
- Creating secrecy around the relationship
- Initiating sexual contact
- Controlling the relationship
I could see this as somewhat insightful regarding these early years. My grandmother did identify me as someone she could feminize. She had my trust. She had daily access to me as she played a big role in my life and the life of our family. Maybe the most relevant aspect of my life as her granddaughter was that she controlled the whole relationship. During my earliest year as her granddaughter, my Grandmother demanded complete obedience.
So Was My Grandmother a Groomer?
One of the most consequential days of my life occurred the first time my Grandmother dressed me as a girl. Imagine for a moment how much different my life might have been if I had gone outside to play with my friends only to run back inside crying, hating the teasing and ridicule I got for wearing a girl’s play outfit. But that is not what happened. While there was some initial teasing, I took it all in, and in no time at all my friends had seemed to accept me and the clothes I was wearing.
My Grandmother always contended she had done so to ‘teach me a lesson.’ I had made it clear to all that I wanted to be a girl and she was merely giving me the chance to experience life as a girl. She would go on to argue that based on her observations I was happiest as a girl and rationalize dressing me up as a girl as more about my happiness than anything else.
However, I was happiest as a girl because even before that first time in a dress I had come to believe that I would be happier as a girl, that life as a girl was a better life than life as a boy, that I had been somehow cheated out of a better life by being born a boy. Where did these beliefs come from? I cannot recall a time in my life when I did not hold these beliefs. But they did not come to me out of thin air. Is it possible that the reasons I believed as I did is because Grandma had planted the seeds of those beliefs, watered over time, and encouraged them when she could? Is it possible my Grandmother had groomed me when I was three to feminize me at some date in the future? When I include the word ‘possible,’ it leaves me with just one answer. Yes, it is possible.
Forced Feminization, Grooming or . . . .?
On August 3, 1958, I decided to stay in Spokane with my Grandmother. I did this solely based on my certainty that if I did so I would be able to play our Dress Up Saturday game every day of the week. It was my decision but then again it was the decision of a five-year-old child.
I feel the term ‘forced feminization’ does not truly apply to our story as there was nothing forced about it. I wanted to be a girl. I also feel that it would be wrong to say my Grandmother was a groomer as that suggests something sexual at worst and disingenuous at best. That said, without question, she wanted me to be a girl. She did everything within her power to ensure that on decision day I would choose to stay in Spokane. The big question is how long had she been working on this plan?
Was This My Story?
While I do not like the term ‘forced feminization,’ if I am being truthful to myself and to my reader, I have to conclude that I was forced feminized. While I do not know with any degree of certainty when it became my grandmother’s goal to raise me as her granddaughter, I am convinced that at some point it became the only outcome that she would accept. I stated earlier that Grandma did everything within her power to ensure her desired outcome. It is probably more accurate to say she did everything within her power that she needed to do. I never balked. I never resisted. I never said ‘No’ when it came to her expectations of me. I truly believe that if she had had to do more to get the ‘granddaughter’ she wanted, she would have. I truly believe that the reason I wanted to stay in Spokane was because my grandmother had made choices for me that in the end left me with a strong desire to be a girl. I truly believe that if it had not been her desire to raise me as a girl I would not be the sissy I am today.